Tonight, the 90th Annual Academy Awards will be held at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood, Los Angeles, California. Film’s best-looking and most anodyne stars will assemble in matching suits like performing monkeys, while they nod and glower and laugh and applaud as they’re told over and over again just how important they are at the Oscars 2018.
We made it! The day has finally arrived. The 90th Annual Academy Awards will be held tonight. Jimmy Kimmel will be hosting the Oscars 2018, and we’ve been storing weeks of weapons-grade snark for the occasion. It’ll be big. It’ll be glamorous. And it’ll likely be full of bullshit.
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Anyway, that’s all from us, folks. I’m sure there’ll be some more bullshit, but I’ll leave someone else to deal with that. I’d love to say it was fun, but it was kind of boring if I’m being honest. I guess we’ll see y’all next year.
It occurs to me that I don’t think there wasn’t a single surprise all night. It should be said that I thought The Shape of Water was fine. Just fine.
And the Oscar goes to: THE SHAPE OF WATER.
Next up, finally, is BEST PICTURE.
Okay, so Frances McDormand just made all the women in the room stand up, which made her speech just about the most memorable of the entire ceremony. Wasn’t a tough category, but still. Had an impact.
And the Oscar goes to: FRANCES MCDORMAND.
Next up: BEST ACTRESS.
F*****g hell even Churchill didn’t go on that much.
And the Oscar goes to: GARY OLDMAN.
Next up: BEST ACTOR
And the Oscar goes to: GUILLERMO DEL TORO.
Next up: BEST DIRECTOR. It’s gonna be Del Toro almost certainly, but I’m pulling for Peele again.
Jennifer Garner leads in the next musical interlude, which is also pulling double duty as the In Memoriam section.
And the Oscar goes to: “Remember Me”, COCO
Next up: BEST ORIGINAL SONG.
And the Oscar goes to: THE SHAPE OF WATER. It’s deserved, as much as I hate to admit it.
Next up: BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Anyway, welcome back to the Democratic National Convention.
Yeah, that should win for sure.
Zendaya is on-hand to introduce the Bearded Lady song from The Greatest Showman. It’s a banger this.
And the Oscar goes to: BLADE RUNNER 2049. Thank The Maker. That could have been exceptionally awkward.
Next up: CINEMATOGRAPHY. I’m telling you, if Deakins doesn’t win this I’m going to f*****g riot.
And the Oscar goes to: GET OUT.
Next up: BEST ORIGINAL SCEENPLAY.
And the Oscar goes to: CALL ME BY YOUR NAME.
Next up: BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY.
We had a montage about diversity and inclusion that laid the point on so thick you could have choked on it. Still, good points.
F*****G GET ON WITH IT. This show is way too long.
Dave Chappelle introduced the next musical interlude. This is the world we live in now – even Dave f*****g Chappelle didn’t say any conroversial s**t. What are we doing here, people?
And the Oscar goes to: HEAVEN IS A TRAFFIC JAM ON THE 405, for DOCUMENTARY SHORT, and THE SILENT CHILD for live-action short. I could care less about the winners, but thank you, Tiffany, for waking me the f**k up.
Next up: DOCUMENTARY SHORT and LIVE-ACTION SHORT.
Awkward moment there when they got some scruffy hick to announce the next presenters. Tiffany Haddish in the house, though. Bonus. She’s actually killing it as well, which just goes to show how much you can do with just ONE person who has an actual personality.
Man, this is so predictable it’s not even fun. Please let there be some controversy soon. I don’t even care what it is. Oh, now they’re doing one of those bits where they take random stars to some normal peasants and surprise them. Riveting.
And the Oscar goes to: DUNKIRK.
Next up: FILM EDITING.
And the Oscar goes to: BLADE RUNNER 2049.
Next up: VISUAL EFFECTS.
Music break! The nominated song from Call Me By Your Name. I’ll take this as a toilet and toast break. It’s 02:44am here and this show is going on forever.
And the Oscar goes to: DEAR BASKETBALL for SHORT, and COCO for FEATURE. Nice to see the underdog pull through at the end there.
Next up: BEST ANIMATED SHORT & FEATURE
And the Oscar goes to: ALISON JANNEY. This was the biggest lock of the night, or at least one of them. Janney herself doesn’t even look happy to be here. She’s brightening up a bit for the speech though.
Next up: BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS. Mahershala Ali reading the nominations like a sexy bedtime story.
And the Oscar goes to: A FANTASTIC WOMAN.
Man, they really are running this short acceptance speech gag into the ground.
Next up: BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM.
Now we get another musical interlude: A performance of that song from Coco that’s probably gonna nab the Oscar later. While this is happening, let’s take a moment to reflect. Let us know in the comments what you think of the show so far. Do you think it has been dry and predictable to such an extent that it’s borderline insufferable? No, I’m sure you don’t.
And the Oscar goes to: THE SHAPE OF WATER. What a stunning and exciting surprise.
Next up: PRODUCTION DESIGN.
And the Oscar goes to: DUNKIRK, for EDITING. And for MIXING. No surprises there; I said when I reviewed it that it should get some sound nods.
Next up: SOUND EDITING & MIXING. I’m hoping for Baby Driver to nab at least one of these. Haven’t the Nazis done enough?
Taraji P. Henson introducing Mary J. Blige. Man, must be hard to be a woman at these awards shows if you’re not Taraji. She’s a goddess. Mary J. Blige is now performing the nominated song from Mudbound.
And the Oscar goes to: ICARUS. That’s a win for Netflix right there, folks. Nice to see, even though it f***s my predictions up.
Up next: BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE, presented by Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern.
And the Oscar goes to: PHANTOM THREAD.
Next category: COSTUME DESIGN, presented by Eva Marie Saint. I’m sure at some point tonight she’ll get to the nominations.
And the Oscar goes to: DARKEST HOUR. (Another shocker!)
Next category: MAKEUP & HAIR. Presented by Gal Gadot and Armie Hammer.
Now they’re making a mockery of Lakeith Stansfield.
And the Oscar goes to: SAM ROCKWELL. (Shocker!)
First category is: BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. Viola Davis presenting.
… Did they just have Dame Helen Mirren showing off a jetski? Disrespectful. These heathens should kneel in her presence.
“Maybe the greatest actor of all time, Meryl Streep”. I’m turning this broadcast off.
Kimmel conveniently forgot to mention that Michelle Williams asked not to be paid for her work on All the Money in the World, but whatever you need to do for a punchline, Jimmy. Side note: Margot Robbie in attendance, and lord have mercy.
Jokes about sexual harassment; women in Hollywood; #MeToo and #TimesUp. This is so pandering that Kimmel’s one line away from hitting the floor on his knees and licking Meryl Streep’s shoes clean.
Kimmel has hit the stage after an old-timey black and white intro with some “hilarious” social commentary. He’s already making jokes about the envelope debacle from last year. Again, if you’re playing our drinking game, you’re f****d.
Thank goodness that s**t is over. We’re off the Red Carpet and onto the actual ceremony. Bravo to the Sky Cinema pre-show panel: You were abysmal to a frankly admirable degree.
Sally Hawkins on the Red Carpet. I’m treading carefully here because I wouldn’t want to offend anyone, but is she on smack?
Daniel Kaluuya on the Red Carpet unashamedly talking like a Grime MC. This man’s a treasure.
We’re finally hearing from someone on the Red Carpet. Thankfully Sky Cinema’s correspondent asked Alison Janney if she was happy about there being more roles for older women. “Are you happy that you can still act despite being old and wrinkly and s**t?”
If you’re participating in our official drinking game, congratulations: You’re already leathered.
The Sky Cinema pre-show panel has the worst line up I could possibly imagine. Hosted by Alex Zane, who apparently still has a career, and featuring Rachel Riley from Countdown, and film critic Anna Smith who apparently has never heard of a toothbrush in her entire life.
Okay, this is it. We’re here. I’ll be handling the live-blogging and our very own Dan Hart will he handling the live-tweeting. We’re about 25 minutes out from the early coverage so now’s the time to get settled and follow along. (This page will auto-refresh every five minutes.)